No Expectaions = Large Expectations

*FAIR WARNING MUCH VULGAR LANGUANGE IN FOLLOWING RANT*

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people…men (or boys depending  on their maturity level) in particular.  SO i have a buddy in which the two of us dated once when i was like 15-16.  It definately was a short lived high school romance and he quickly left me for another girl in my group of friends.   Well, surprisignly throught the years we have remained somewhat friends and over the last 2 years have been hanging out more.  He’s an awesome guy and i adore him and love hanging out with him.  So … why is it that after my relationship with homo dickwad robbing the craddle cock sucker mother fucker ends does my buddy assume that i am FREE EFFING GAME??   ok…so i made it pretty damn clear to him that i did not want anything to do with any guys or a relationship for a while and by pretty clear i said “HEY!! I want to be single…haven’t been single for more than 2.5 months in over 10 years…need to focus on kids and MY LIFE and not someone elses…no boyfriends or anything equivelant, maybe after the summer i’ll reconsider but for now S.I.N.G.L.E.”.   “cool” .. he says “when ur ready you’re ready”….YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!!!  So this buddy of mine is a stellar tattoo artist so he offered to draw up that tat that i wanted and ink it on me….and offers me a SIC SIC rate….a)because he thinks its a killer piece that would look awesome in his portfolio and b)he wants a piece….grrrrr.  I once again reminded him of my S.I.N.G.L.E. for the summer at least plan.  So i offer to buy him a ticket to Warped Tour and i’ll pay for all of his food and drinks…my way of saying THANK YOU!!!!  so i didn’t hear from him at all before the concert and never answered calls, texts or emails.  And after the concert i sent him texts and emails trying to find out if he was even alive and kickin.  Last night/this morning at 147 am i get a text from him FINALLY:

“Not trying to avoid you at all.  Had some madness go down and not sure what is going on between us.  Are we just friends or what.  Kinda lost just want to know whats up i guess”

WHAT THE FUCK…fucking idiot….i mean…do i have to get a chart and make a presentation of my S.I.N.G.L.E. for the summer plan.  Oh and FYI colorado boy…awesome and stuff but we are NOT together…thank god….i dont think i can do this whole girlfriend thing anymore.  I still get a kick out of flirting with him…but to be involved now…yeah i’ll pass on that ok!   So back to dipwad…seriously.  I just want to wash my hands of it but since we have been friends for so long and he did give me a deal on my what would be a very expensive tattoo and he still is gonna see my friends and coworkers i should prolly explain all this to him again…but AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh……can i just move already??

Any and all advise needed

I REALLY want to move to Colorado.  I have spoken with my branch manager and the Denver office manager and both are cool with a transfer when a position is open.  WONDERFUL…right?  errrrrrr (thats me slamming on the “negatory” buzzer).  Does anyone know a good lawyer that could get me sole custody of both my kids and get the judge to approve me moving them out to Colorado??? i’ll have $$$ for it in February…really!  I honestly do not know what my chances are, but there is no chance in hell that i am leaving with out my kids and i dont know what judge would think that it would be better if the two of them were split up?? They would NEVER see each other anymore unless my mother planned a visit for the two of them on the same day.  And I would LOVE to see both the dads do the DAILY routines that we do.  They would never be able to survive! I would pay to fly them home anytime they want to see them and there is internet and cell phones and blah blah blah blah..you’re really never truly far away.  And me and the “boy” (still not giving out his name) are proof of that!  He was gonna fly out here for my birthday next weekend but forgot that he had prior plans in another state for a buddies birthday instead…BUT all hope is not gone…he’s got a layover in MPLS on Sunday and is going to catch a later flight out so him and I can hang out for a couple hours…what hotel rooms rent by the hour near the airport…anyone?

i miss these people

BEST BRANCH EVER!!!

i will be back some day…and hopefully for good.

What could I possibly have to talk about

What should I update you on.  I could update you on my relationshiop with Steven, but there is none.  There will never be one again …not even friendship.  I will not post about him anymore because I do not want to be reminded of anything about him/us…so this is the end of that!

I move back to my parents house this month.  I am actually starting to look forward to it.  I will be able to save money and pay off debt with the hopes that I will be BUYING –yes I said buying and not renting– a home in September…no later than October.  I will also have access to a pool to lounge in all summer–nice way to relax after work every day.  And my mother still cooks like she has a housefull of people so I will not have to cook dinner anymore —which yes i will miss…but not for the summer .  Besides, there will be plenty of lunches to make on the weekends and why deprive my mother the pleasure of cooking!  I have been informed that they are NOT live in baby sitters (well duh I knew that) but that if I ever do need to “just get away” after the kiddo’s are sleeping that they are ok with that as long as i ask them!  OMG…do you know what this means…i might actually get to have a social life now!!! with real people…at real places with real BEERS??? wow!

I have already so many plans for the summer—the only thing I dont know what I am doing this summer is 4th of July.   Normally we go to my g-ma’s house for her b-day as well…but she is not around.  And the “unmentionable person” had promised me a day on Lake Minnetonka since i didn’t have the kids this year….so thats not happening.  No kids and nothing to do….the fact that my g-ma isn’t here makes it worse.  But that is still 2 months away—birthday is MAYBE gonna hurt a little to since this was mine and “unmentionable persons” anniversary…but hopefully I will be having TOO MUCH FUN seeing that this is my last birthday in my TWENTIES WAAAAHHHH!   FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS…I wanted one more baby by 32—-hmmmph.

The kids are getting excited to move back with the rents—for some reason they hardly see my children even though we live like 5 miles apart??  Amaya has her first piano recidal (sp) on 5/29 YAY …but poor little thing had a bad session last night and was crying at how poorly she thought she did.  I just had to tell her that everyone has their bad days.  Tyson…WANTS TO SKATE MORE!!! YAYA…cant wait to get him into skating two and very excited that he liked it and didn’t give up on it!

Looking forward to hopefully posting pictures of my new home sometime here in the next 4 months!

The guy who never gives up did

I’ve replayed the scenario a million times over and over in my head.  Is it really my fault that he left.  “you are the only stress in my life, i am so miserable that i dont want to come home most days”—thats what he told me yesterday.  But monday night he told me “you should always remember that I never quit, I never give up—have faith in that”—so what am i suppose to think now.   Now all i can do is figure out how i am that horrible of a person—are their others out there who view me this way, who dread seeing me cuz i will make them misserable?

It’s like its a horrible nightmare, the last five days make no sense to me.  Whats the point in talking if you’re not really gonna listen, whats the point in loving if your not going to care. 

I dont have any answers to this…. I am currently in a state of mind that is unhealthy, up is down, black is white, ect…. i dont know how to snap out of it, and what makes it worse is that it affected my daughter…it brought her to tears….how the hell am i suppose to be strong enough to help her now?

I dont even know what i am doing at work as i cant focus (obviously)— why do we let ourselves go through this…why cant we just snap out of it and move on.  Why does it have to be difficult to let someone leave your life.  and i am so tired of “i’m sorry” …i do appreciate it, but what does it really mean?  its just an unfortunate term that we use to send our sympathies to anyone feeling misery. 

i moved all his items into the garage yesterday, it helped to keep my mind off of him/it/us/that…and now there is no productivity in me…..just random thoughts/memories popping up and me trying to not cry — which is unfortunate for this emotional pile cuz i cry over anything & everything.

just numb, dont know what to do or think….and it didn’t help that last night he sent me a text “please take care” WTflyingF is that suppose to mean?

today is going to be long and painful, tonight will be worse.

who wants to hire me

seriously…can i please have a second job some where….i have applied damn near anywhere that hires pt and seasonally and they tell me i dont meet their needs…which is more flexibility SORYY I AM LOOKING FOR A PT JOB YOU IDIOTS!!! not full time cuz i already have one of those…. they are also telling me i am over qualified…so i need to be more stupid? wtf…seriously, i need to make some more money here or my kids are not getting ANYTHING for xmas…we are more than borderline …we’re past borderline…there is WAY more $$$ going out than coming in and there is NO WHERE to cut…i dont eat anymore and my daughters lunches are paid for already (school—and discounted) not to mention i cant cut day care….and i am not spending ANY THING ANYWHERE on anything….did that make sense? prolly not….

Friggen Frack

That is seriously my friggen mood today, i want to go around punching d-bags, shidiots and tards all day long! STAY OUT OF MY WAY.  It started with Friday…. (imagine one of those little dream bubbles coming out to tell a story)….Friday night I went out with the ex….the one that I still care deeply for, even though we have our issues.  The really sad thing is that we got a long GREAT for the entire time we were together.  We never argued once….i know at one point I bitched about how I thought the boy didn’t have a spine…but god compared to so many relationships it was so nice being with someone who would really do anything in their power to make me happy (for the most part).  Anywho….he told me on Friday that “We will make this work” and “ Just tell me what you want me to tell my roommates”….for those of you who don’t know his roommates are the BIGGEST reason that we are not together…their a bunch of d-bags, shidiots and tards (that I would like to go around punching).  The thing that really friggen sucks about this whole crap ton of a problem is that I might actually for once in my life love someone. (other than family and kids of course) and now I don’t know what the hell to do.  Its making my temporarily insane!  So after that whole night of him saying things that I long to hear….i tell him that we really need to sit down and talk.  He agrees but doesn’t really make plans of when to do that.  But he does call me on Sunday… we talk for a little while he is driving to his rents and then a bit more on his way back to his house.  It gets emotional…I get emotional, he gets quiet.  So I tell him that I need to let him go and he tells me that he will call me tomorrow (Monday).  This is where I get really pissed….so last night I decided to bake an apple pie…why well because I love the smell of it (hate the taste) and have a shit ton of apples that no one is eating.  So as I am baking this pie I get a text from the ex saying “ Hey I wanted to call you but I am stuck around a bunch of peopleL”  ….so I reply with “ What do you mean by stuck? Do they have you tied up? Just forget it ***** I’ve always known where I stand when it comes to parties and friends”I left it at that for a good 20 minutes…trying to focus on my pie…which I couldn’t so I called him and he answered .. and I said “Well, I’ll do this the proper way…over the phone….forget my name forget my number we are done”….and this of course took the conversation into a very heated discussion both of us not really listening to the other.  Anyways…it all ended with him hanging up on me and me bawling my eyes out in front of my children and then throwing away my unfinished apple pie BASTARD!!!!  Well…I needed to get the kids to bed and I needed to calm down so I took a bath…and he started texting me and yes I am going to tell you all of them: Anything in Blue is from him….purple me.“Its sad because I really wanted it to work, I just needed more time than a day since Friday but I guess you made up my mind for me again” and what he means by that is that when I broke up with him in December it was because I knew I would never be equivalent to his friends/roommates so instead of making him pick I made the decision for him….and I told him that I kick myself in the ass every day and I should have made him pick!“No I made up my mind for me because I don’t fell like you ever wanted me back and I know I’ll never be as important to you as you are to me”“I can prove it.  I’ll spend all week with you.  I’m sorry im so bad at showing it but I really want to be with you and it hurts to lose what little we started the second time”“Please give me a chance this week, Im an idiot and I want the chance this week please I really want to be there with you”“Please Brandie, it worked once and if you really want it to work again give me the chance this week”“I don’t want to make you cry, L it makes me hurt too”“I understand that this is going to take more than a week, but the effort that you put into this week will show me how much I actually mean to you”And basically from there on out it was just him saying that he would make it up to me and I could “have” him as much as I wanted to this week.  What the hell is wrong with me????

Holy blow my mind weekend Batman!!!

Do I ever have the stories to tell….my entire weekend filled with jaw dropping experiences or events leaving my face with an extremely confused look on it.Friday February 29^thI believe due to the fact that it was indeed leap year this is the evening that would start on my “Leap day weekend of shock”.  Honestly not too much happened Friday, very mellow and calm.  I went to the rents for about an hour and a half after work to play a little guitar hero.  I then went to Arizona’s in Shak-town to meet up with my cousin for a pre-arranged evening of one of her favorite cover bands.  The only reason that I was hesitant to actually partake in the event was due to my too nice of a drunk ass who had told a certain bartender that I would be out there that evening.  I have no ambitions of seeing said bartender EVER again….I don’t even attend the bar that he tends at!  So in my attempt to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings by verbally telling them to piss off I made plans to have my ex (Nick) join me as my “date” to this establishment.  Well, the ex could not oblige, mainly because he fell asleep (what a shidiot) but fortunately for him the unwanted bartender could not make it.  He called me and told me that he needed to be in Wisconsin by midnight and that he would call me.  I left Arizona’s around 10ish and went and met the ex at another local bar and proceeded to bar hop from there until almost midnight.  In which case I ALLOWED the ex to come crash at my pad (cuz I really just didn’t want to drive him home) AND WE ARE JUST FRIENDS (at least in my head anyways)….anywho…he made a few pathetic attempts at a kiss or two but just kept getting shot down, but all rejection aside he still did me a favor when the bartender called.  He answered the phone and told him he had the wrong number….bartender did call back and I just didn’t answer.  I have not heard from him since and in which case I will just assume that what my doctor says is true “No news is good news?”                                       Saturday March 1^stThis day started out by waking up to the ex…..not so much fun in my book….yes its nice to fall asleep next to someone but I love waking up alone, but he left within an hour so it was all good.  So I sat around and had some b-fast and wrapped my niece’s birthday gifts.  I for once bought them more than a day in advance…but didn’t wrap them just cuz I knew my son would attempt to open them!  I went back and laid down for a little bit after that…don’t remember what I watched on TV though?  So then I received a phone call from an old Jr. High/High school friend that has been trying to get together with me for quite some time now.  Well, she informed me that she was getting together with “the girls” that evening at a local restaurant/pub.  I informed her that I had my niece’s party and I would attempt to find a sitter and make my way down there if only for a couple of hours.  So on to Chuck E Cheese ….and now I know why they started serving beer there.I think that was the BUSIEST I have ever seen that establishment.  Anywho, all the party guests arrived either early or just on time and we waited an add’l 20 minutes for my sister & her daughter to show….buttheads, DO NOT KEEP ME WAITING FOR PIZZA.  Anyways, there was this little girl running around with my niece and we could not figure out who it was for the life of us.  We questioned my brother in law and he just informed us that the little girl invited my niece to hers so they did the same.  So our next inquisitive question “so you know her from daycare” and his reply “Nope…that’s Dave’s daughter”.  Needless to say my mother, other sister and I had a dumbfounded look on our face, like we were suppose to know “Dave”.  He looked at us “Dave ****” (leaving out the last name for my own embarrassment) all three of us simultaneously “OHHHH DAVE ****!!!!”  And my mother looks up at me and says “Yeah … you know Dave ****” >insert porno music here to compliment her jabbing me with her elbow< how devastating…and maybe when I actually have the time I will fill you in on the story….needless to say it involved alcohol!  Rest of the party went great……And on to Saturday night:My rents were willing to watch my kids for 2 hours so that I could join the gaggle of girls meeting in town to reminisce about the olden days…in which I swear none of them truly liked me.   The really odd thing…they are actually all mothers J surprised me to hear that too!  One had also been divorced.  So at least I wasn’t swimming those waters alone.  It was rather nice to see them…..they have changed for the most part but two of them really are still the same gossipy girls that they have always been.  I found out that the friend who had originally contacted me had also given the reunion committee my phone number so that I may attend our reunion in August OH BOY :S  And yes there is more …..So as I am crawling into bed that evening I realize it has been AGES since I have heard from my friend … the non “date” date friend.  And I am really starting to miss him.   Well….2.5 hours into my sleep I get picture mail from him….he was at Coyote Ugly in Chicago….and he felt compelled to send me a picture ….how sweet….but was it ESP or something?  I seriously have not heard from him via email or phone since V-day….hmmm.  Anyways….about 2 hours after that I start getting text messages from my most recent ex: 1) Stevo says we are not done.  And I still love you!  I miss you!  He says you are in my best interest. 2) I miss you and love you!  Not lying! 3) Stevo says Hi!  I so miss you right now!  I wanna hang with you so soon! 4) Hi cutie!  I really wanna see you tomorrow cuz I miss you soooo much!  If you know my situation you could understand that this was EXTREMELY irritating.  I am tired of his friends being the decision factor of his emotions.  I really need to grow a back bone and tell this guy that he needs to make a decision based on HIS feelings not his friends.  It’s great that at least one of his friends is sticking up for me but I want to be with him, not his friends!  

~~I need to explain a little bit more about wanting to be with him … no need to confuse anyone here!!!  I still have very deep feelings for him but as long as he lives in that house, hangs out with minors and acts like he’s 20 its not gonna work~~K I think I am done….tonight I am going to play guitar hero….and I really REALLY need it…maybe I will have a bloody mary as well  J

And i need to also add that I ran into a co-worker at Chuck E Cheese…sorry in the chaos of writing this I had also told the other co-workers that i ran into you….didn’t leave you out of my blogging story … and yes that was another “HOLY CRAP” event that took place…i’m sorry

Case Study: Men are equivalent to the dirty Nike’s in the back of my closet

It seriously just dawned on me how much I treat my relationships with men like a pair of shoes.  Yes I am making a comparison to shoes and no this is not in some sad desperate attempt to sound like that chick from Sex in the City.  I honestly only have about 10 pairs of shoes …. and they have been the same 10 for years and a few that I have borrowed from family or friends…so no extreme shoe craze here. 

When I first meet the new beau in my life (soon to be beau) I see no flaws or lack of qualities.  He is perfect in every aspect…..and so I try him on.  If I can walk away from that first date with no blisters I can tell that I will want to see him again.  And I do….slow once every other week or so.  Then I begin to realize that he compliments me and I want to have him with me and a part of my life even more.  ANd so he does.  And I break him in…..and things are well, really well.

Several months go by and my eyes are suddenly opened to potential flaws that i didn’t notice before … or were not even there yet, but they are now.  I try to continue on without noticing them … but eventually they begin to affect my stride….and my stride becomes angry and wants off the path it is going.  So i then decide its time to ditch these shoes (yes we are still talking about men) and throw them in the back of the closet. 

But all is not lost…because once in a while i see those old dirty flawed shoes in the back of my closet and feel pitty for them….maybe i should give them a ride around th e block for old times sake.  IDIOT…..YOU NEED TO DONATE THEM TO THE LESS FORTUNATE>>>>SOMEONE WHO COULD REALLY USE THEM AND APPRECIATE THEM EVEN WITH THEIR FLAWS<<<<<< dumbass

I think I need to go shoeless for quite some time

done done done

no its not an interesting title but thats pretty much what i want in EVERY aspect of my life right now….everything to just be done.

 Today my ex husband received a phone call from the ER that he brought our son into on Thursday morning LAST week (its now monday) and they informed him that this whole time it was NOT in fact the flu but strep throat instead!  Great!  Fortunately he was able to take 2 hours off of work to go pick him up out of daycare and bring him into the dr’s office for a shot of penicillin! woohoo! and now my mother — THANK GOD— was able to take a half day to watch him.  I will be going into work later tomorrow so that he will have been on his meds for over 24 hours!

 $$$….i am sooooo tired of being broke.  I dont know what to do…i have no idea how to relieve my stress of being broke…generally i would drink…but yeah found out that that too costs money.  Fortunately my ex husband will be able to assist me monthly once again probably starting in April, so if i can survive one more month i believe $200 monthy installments would be all i would require from him.

Men…can i just be done in general…its happening, i am just constantly thinking about my “non” date date and the gentleman it involved and the fact that i probably wont see him again for god knows how long and that if i were to see him again i dont know what would be between the two of us.  AND THEM DAMN EX’S i need to get rid of them…you would think, but they (ok maybe one) is actually a really good friend of mine who does care about me and would do almost anything for me (other than quit drinking dummy poo poo head)….which would prolly have saved our relationship.  THEY SUCK…and i really REALLY need to stop giving out my number! STOP IT!

The only thing i am not done with at this point is family….or maybe i am.  My g-ma is doing her second round of chemo today which is good and she is at home too so double bonus…and she asked for a wig so triple bonus sorta…maybe not.  But we just got some disturbing news about my aunt….very VERY bad news that you would have not ever thought about.  All these years we thought that her only addiction was shopping…if only that were true…all though that could have very well been the reason that she fell victim to a gambling addiction…which lead to the cops coming into her house with a search warrant and her being arrested in front of her husband and three children.  yeah…..bad

Talk about emotional rollercoaster

So first and foremost i found out last night that i am going to be an Auntie again and its not the sister that already has two kids but my baby sister YAY.  I get to do the whole baby thing with out actually having the kid.  This will either cure my baby fever or make it worse.

Then the bad news, my daughters father is a d-bag & a shidiot (which by the way is SHIT IDIOT meshed as one word…its gonna catch on i tell you…ya’ll know about redonkulous right????)  He wants to go back to our “old” parenting time schedule with her which means between school and work i would see my daughter from 4:45 monday evening until 7:45 Friday morning….BULL SHIT other than a fucking crack addict tell me what kind of mother would want that schedule.  Yeah hes a fucking shidiot!!!  So yes i am taking his shidiot ass back to court, willing to leave it as joint legal but i want full physical…enough of this bullshit…the damn shidiot!

I am so painfully broke right now i think my daycare check is going to bounce….why cant i just get my bonus and W2 so i can file my taxes….theres an everclear song that points out in one of the verses that “I hate those people that tell you money is the route of all that kills, they have never been poor they have never had the joy of a wellfare christmas” well i have…and i dont want my kids to EVER! So there…whether or not its the route of all evil…it keeps me from crying my eyes out every night cuz my 7 year old has more money on target gift cards than i do in the bank!

 Ok, so i receintly broke up with this guy…who is actually a really great guy…however in my opinion a little to immature for me.  Anywho… we have been talking and trying to figure out if his immaturity is something that i could “get over” and maybe try to make “us” work again.  Well, i think he likes someone else….i see her picture slowly moving up his “Top Friends” list on myspace….and no i am not stalking him, just waiting to be removed from his top friends.  Anyways….he’s pretty much doing the same thing with her that he did with me to show me that he had interest in me.  The good news, she’s only 19…so she’ll be more at his level, i think?  Honestly, i am ok with this, does not bother me OTHER than the fact that he is still lying to me and decided that he needs time away from me to party with my ex best friend and her shidiot step sister who both hate me more than …. well take your pick.  I can only imagine the pre-fabricated stories they told him….i’m sure they had everything planned out….sneaky little shidiots!  But all is well…no i am not falling for someone else….but just realizing that there are other men out there…..somewhere.  Even though New Years Eve sucked i think overall it has REALLY been the best decision i could make.

Ok mommy moment:  my son can not and will not fall asleep in his room by himself, he either needs his sister in there or needs to fall asleep in my bed.  so i officially put an end to it last night…i am not paying an arm and a leg for a 3 bedroom house when a majority of the time only one bedroom is used!  As usual my daughter was out by like 9pm in her bed…she’s good about it, my son however….no.  After an hour of continuously telling him to go back to bed he throws himself in this panic mode.  Hes shaking and crying and now i feel bad…”but you can NOT back down” i tell myself.  and in the cutest sadest voice he tells me he’s scared of the monsters….ahhhh, my daughter never did the monsters so this is new territory for me…….tooo cute.  and i know what your thinking…its your kids how could you not want to comfort them?  because sleeping with a sneeky ninja would be more comfortable than sleeping with my kids….my daughter who only lays at an angle and then my son who kicks more and harder than a ninja!  But … i put my foot down, and after 5 minutes of calming him down i told him i was going to just go and turn of the tv and lights and i would be back up (yes it was a mom fib) but i knew that if he thought i was coming back up he wouldn’t panic…and he didnt…he fell right asleep….and all night long, my bed was MINE!