How many ways can one completely “eff” up their life.

I should really consider myself lucky…how many times have i driven home under the influence and didn’t A) get pulled over or B) get in an accident killing myself or someone else or both…dumm dumm dumm*(and that was me saying that i was dumb not that music sound played when something has just been revealed).  Last weekend i experienced a very life changing event….my very first DWI.  I could really go into the timeline of how it took place but to be honest i would rather NOT relive that night anymore.  It was sheer stupidity for 2 reasons A) i was not DRUNK, i was one beer over the limit…completely fine on my part but not according to the breathalizer B)–i was just an idiot…this can happen to anyone and it happened to me and i have no one to blame but myself.  Fortunately, my family see’s it that way too “It can happen to anyone”…and they are being truley supportive THANK GOODNESS.  Just not looking forward to court, fines and lack of a DL for @ 30 days….oh and the fact that this is on my record FOREVER…ugh.  Needless to say this girl will NEVER get into the drivers side of a vehicle with more than two beers/drinks in her over a 3 hour period EVER!

This is suckin hardcore…i more than likely wont be going back to school till the spring…which i can deal with but with all the fines that i am gonna have to pay…well needless to say xmas is gonna suck for my kids .  Amaya’s birthday is only 2 weeks away and i am EFFED…she has no idea what happened and i dunno what i am gonna tell her cuz she’s gonna catch on that mommy isn’t driving…oh and then there is my car…i still havent gotten it fixed from when that accident back in May happened EFF.  Really…i am becoming the worst and most irrisponsible parent i know

The end is the beginning is the end is the middle?

I use to lay awake at night pondering many things.   Some quite important to my daily living needs and the needs of my children and others (most of them) simple little day dreams and wishes.   Now that I am waking up before the rooster crows to get in a half ass work out i am exhausted by the time my head hits my pillow and i actually fall asleep.  As you can see below my daily routine leaves very little room for my compulsive worrying and imaginative wishing

5:25-5:40 attempt to wake up.  Having alarm set to go off every 5 minutes really helps this out.

5:45 after sluggishly dressing myself in something that doesn’t stink its time to work out.  First i must make sure i have a huge glass of water and either a) the remote to the tv if i am watching the news or b) the headphones to the portable dvd player if I am catching up on my Heroes via Netflix (i love you).  Hop on elliptical.

5:45-6:15-6:20 sweat ass on elliptical (if i am watching Heroes it goes for 35 minutes…otherwise 30 minutes of the news and its all repetative).

6:25 proceed to strength and toning training—-ugh and owe.

6:35 make toast and shove down throat with out tasting along with small glass of milk.  I wake amaya at this point every other day for a shower….and somehow i am in and out of the shower before she is???

6:40 wake children (1st attempt) and lay out clothes for the day (and yes i realize it would be easier if i would just lay them out the night before..but then where is the fun & drama in that?)  Hop in shower

6:48 exit shower and attempt to wake children for 2nd time or remind them to get dressed & make beds for second time. 

6:50 get dressed, brush teeth, fry hair (i use a wet to dry straightener … definately a time saver in the mornings!) and make up.

7:05 triple check to make sure all clothes i laid out are on and on properly (amaya always forgets her socks and something always goes on backwards with tyson)

7:07…get snacks for children, put Tysons into zip lock bag so he can easily open at school.

7:10 run back to bathroom cuz yes…i forgot the deoderant and meds…graw.

7:11 run back to kitchen and throw fixings for the other half of my breakfast, my lunch and a snack into a plastic bag.

7:13 possibly remind children for 10th time to put shoes on …and quite possibly remind Amaya of her socks again and remind her that she didn’t brush her hair.

7:15 hopefully fleeing out the door

7:30-7:35 arrive at daycare and attempt to drop them off w/o being held to a 15 minute conversation.  Leave to work

7:45-7:50 arrive at work

work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work

5:00 (hopefully on the nose) leave work and drive to daycare

5:15 arrive at daycare with hopes that i am not hearing A) Tyson was crabby B) Tyson had an accident C)Amaya is upset about something.  This can sometimes lead to a 15 minute hold up …ugh

—-tuesdays i fortunately have the pleasure of going where ever i want after work as the ex husband picks the children up from daycare…i generally use this time grocery shopping or doing some sort of errands that can still be accomplished in the evening hour.

—–Soon on wedensdays I will just be picking up Tyson at daycare only to race over to SACS (Shak0pee Area Catholic Schools) to pick up amaya from her religion class.

—–Most Thursdays its just Tyson and I until @ 630 as Amaya has piano…I have made a consistent request that this day be changed to Friday or Saturday when she is with her family.

—-Fridays (unless there has been a swap) i go home!!!!

back to reality

5:40-5:55 (depending on when daycare lets me out the door) arrive at home and watch kids kick off shoes and dump backpacks where ever…remind them to put backpacks on table and shoes by door…the evil things i request of them.

5:55-6:00 start dinner…pray that i have all ingredients and that they will eat it….definately being a picky eater as a child has come to bite me in the ass!

6:25-6:30 dinner is just about done and my 3rd request as master slave driver is that the children set the table.

6:30ish….eat NO TV …this is the #1 rule and they know it!  We have conversation and for the most part it takes my son less than a decade to finish a meal!

so from here until 8-8:30 depending on how long it takes us to hang out, do homework, have a snack, read our “15 for fun” and just get ready for bed.

8:30—joy time to clean…most of the time its not that bad.  I will make my lunch for the next day, do a little laundry (if its sunday/monday) empty and refill dishwasher…nothing too bad really.  the rest of the cleaning is saved for the weekend!

9ish…finally drop on the couch and hopefully crack open a beer or pour a glass of wine.  I have very few shows that I watch and seeing that most of them are on when my children have control of all technology I will DVR them (thank god for that) and watch at this time with the hopes that i wont fall asleep.  The only exception is Football…sorry kiddos but mom has her limits.

Fortunately …when football is playing its the perfect setting for backround noise and i can WOOHOO go on the computer! (Hence the long blog tonight)

and about this time (10:03) is when i start to realize that bed sounds awesome…maybe not sleep just yet but bed  awaeaeweqeaew (insert drooling noise that Homer Simpson makes).  So with that said i will sneek to my bed (but not before folding laundry and swaping loads) and start this lovely routine that leaves me thoughtless, worriness less (?) and wishless…someone dream a little dream for me please?  Oh well…at least this will guarantee my plan of being single for a long time….but I want to go to school this winter and am wondering the when and how???

uffdah!

What could I possibly have to talk about

What should I update you on.  I could update you on my relationshiop with Steven, but there is none.  There will never be one again …not even friendship.  I will not post about him anymore because I do not want to be reminded of anything about him/us…so this is the end of that!

I move back to my parents house this month.  I am actually starting to look forward to it.  I will be able to save money and pay off debt with the hopes that I will be BUYING –yes I said buying and not renting– a home in September…no later than October.  I will also have access to a pool to lounge in all summer–nice way to relax after work every day.  And my mother still cooks like she has a housefull of people so I will not have to cook dinner anymore —which yes i will miss…but not for the summer .  Besides, there will be plenty of lunches to make on the weekends and why deprive my mother the pleasure of cooking!  I have been informed that they are NOT live in baby sitters (well duh I knew that) but that if I ever do need to “just get away” after the kiddo’s are sleeping that they are ok with that as long as i ask them!  OMG…do you know what this means…i might actually get to have a social life now!!! with real people…at real places with real BEERS??? wow!

I have already so many plans for the summer—the only thing I dont know what I am doing this summer is 4th of July.   Normally we go to my g-ma’s house for her b-day as well…but she is not around.  And the “unmentionable person” had promised me a day on Lake Minnetonka since i didn’t have the kids this year….so thats not happening.  No kids and nothing to do….the fact that my g-ma isn’t here makes it worse.  But that is still 2 months away—birthday is MAYBE gonna hurt a little to since this was mine and “unmentionable persons” anniversary…but hopefully I will be having TOO MUCH FUN seeing that this is my last birthday in my TWENTIES WAAAAHHHH!   FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS…I wanted one more baby by 32—-hmmmph.

The kids are getting excited to move back with the rents—for some reason they hardly see my children even though we live like 5 miles apart??  Amaya has her first piano recidal (sp) on 5/29 YAY …but poor little thing had a bad session last night and was crying at how poorly she thought she did.  I just had to tell her that everyone has their bad days.  Tyson…WANTS TO SKATE MORE!!! YAYA…cant wait to get him into skating two and very excited that he liked it and didn’t give up on it!

Looking forward to hopefully posting pictures of my new home sometime here in the next 4 months!

When did I stop having a life?

I know I use to have a life, I just don’t know when it stopped?  I don’t think it was when I had my first born, I remember having my own personality and hobbies then.  Even after my son I still did what I wanted when I wanted….but when did I stop doing the things I wanted?  Now with Steven gone and out of my house [life] I realize I am nothing…. I am just mom, just a house keeper, just a cook, just a nurse.  Don’t get me wrong….my children are awesome and I love them to death and love being their mother….but is that all I am anymore?  I have no hobbies, no friends who just come over to hang out, no invites from people who don’t have kids or are not my family.   I really do not feel like “me” anymore, throw that in there with Steven moving out and I am for the first time in 3 years truly and sincerely MISERABLE…DEPRESSED and just all together unhappy.  Even if I wanted a hobby I couldn’t afford it OR my children throw it back in my face*.  I need something to bring back my spirit as it went AWOL with no sign of returning.  I try to focus at work, but even a job that I love keeps my energy and ambition to an all time low.  My aunt who is in jail has more of a life than me, she’s back in school & losing weight –all while being locked in a cell [k she gets out for school and on Sundays---pulled the religion card with that one].  I’ve been depressed before, I’ve been declared as having depression before—its coming and I can feel it.  Even with spring finally being here I have no motivation to do anything.  I am so tired of crying, but cant get it to stop—today I honestly wanted to call the kids dads and tell them to keep them so I can crawl into a hole.  My dreams and hopes for my own personal life are gone and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore**  YES ITS TIME FOR ME TO BE “POOR PITIFUL ME”….just cuz I am so tired, so not myself.  I am just sitting on the edge ….looking down, completely lost and hopeless.

 

*I told Amaya that I was invited to play softball, but its on Thursday’s which is mommy daughter night—she made me feel like I was ruining her life for trying to establish one of my own…and I have now declined to join.

 

**I know I have my children and their future to look forward to and I have all my dreams and hopes for them…but someone once told me that “they” are not the only reason I am here…and now he is gone [most of the time].

Happy Happy Joy Joy ITS FRIDAY!

ITS FRIDAY!

I couldn’t be more ecstatic, now if only the time would go by faster.   Mainly because I just ate lunch and am still hungry but watching those calories.  OMG I have been drinking water like its going out of style and peeing all the time….seriously I get up every 20 minutes here at work and then about every hour at night…its CRAZY…but supposedly a “good sign” of things to come (or hopefully lose in my case).  I am truely addicted to my SparksPeople website and really REALLY reccomend it to anyone trying to lose/gain weight or just lead a more healthy lifestyle for themselves and/or their families.

Picture update YAY….the kids and i for the last couple of years have done a picture of our heads together on the floor (we do it before we go to our family gathering at OCB —still a favorite place to eat) and here is this years, still loving my new hair but could do with out the glasses….i think this is the 8th pic we took and Ty started to get a little annoyed as you can see in the pic, but it really is the best of them all.

Family on the Floor!

it will go in a frame on the wall covering past years photos.

Tyson had his Kindergarden round up last night and he had SO MUCH FUN.  It really is hard to believe that my little man will be attending school for 2 hours and 35 minutes every day starting September 8th this year A KINDERGARDNER are you serious?   His b-day is coming up in May and he’ll be my big 5 Year Old! my little handsome devil!

 

Bubby 03/09

And my darling Amaya has her first communion the weekend after easter, not that I a huge religious buff or anything, but still proud of her and happy for her.  I can’t believe how big she is getting and mature she has become.  I love that she still loves the Beatles and wants to grow up and be just like Regina Spektor who is definately most talented.  Amaya said to me “mommy, I just want to play music and have a band, I dont even care if anyone likes my music or not”.  What a ham I tell you, still love her new hair cut too!

Peanut 03/09

So all in all, the family is doing well.  We are happy and healthy (for the most part anyways–Tyson needs to lay off the fruit roll ups and amaya could lay off the ice cream a bit more).   So … you may be asking, what about the other person living under your roof.  Still one of the most annoying persons I have ever crossed paths with … but i still love him with all of my heart and more than anyone ever

US + mom 03/09

Picture was taken by bubby…hes great at capturing angles!

Not much else to report, well I am sure there is but I really cant think of anything else right now…so enjoy the update with pics.  I’ll leave you with another of the kids

MYTY 03/09

When you dream about being a bad mom

I am seriously at my wits end with my lovely little boy.  I have no idea what to do anymore or who’s advice to take.  Please just give me something useful.  My little man has done a complete 180 in every aspect of his life right now.   He was officially potty trained last May and now out of nowhere is having accidents left and right.  He continuously tells me that he hates me whenever I fail to please him and his needs…he also tells others that he hates them as well any time they upset him.  All he does is get upset with me, not listen to me and do things to make me want to pull my hair out….i had a dream that i beat the crap out of him cuz he never listens (and trust me i woke up crying and went and held him in my arms while he slept cuz i was so terrified that it was true). He is never happy … can a four (almost five) year old boy suffer from depression?  He doesn’t eat like he use to and he doesn’t smile or laugh like he use to.  He’s not showing any signs of being sick…but he’s not happy….and it breaks my heart   He still has trouble having conversations with people so its not like i can really ask him and get an answer out of him.  I really hoped that his ice skating lessons would help since its just me and him and his dad and we just focus on him…but it hasnt (granted its only been two classes)….i am in a panic now.  I want my darling little boy back…not this mean, sad, depressed, pants wetting, anorexic lump   Help? any and all advice needed and truely wanted!

a whole lot of talk and a little less pictures

I so need to upload pictures of Tyson’s first skating lessong but a) the pictures suck because they took him way far out on the ice and my camera didn’t zoom in that close without making it look blurry and the plexiglass was too scratched up and b) i’m just lazy….or busy, whichever way you would like to look at it.  I will get more BETTER pictures on Monady for lesson number two…but what a time he had!  I am so proud of him!  This was his first time on the ice EVER and to make matters worse i put him in hockey skates —completely and deliberately ignoring  the instructor saying “hockey skates are much harder to learn in”—i dont care…he looked kick ass in them!   Yes …he fell … over and over and over….and over, but every time he got right back up ON HIS OWN! and never cried or whined —it was awesome!   Lets hope he progresses a little in lesson #2.

So excited to have Monday off of work this following week…Amaya’s spring break so I promised her that I would take a day off so that we can all hang out all day long.  I think she might be as excited as I am…too bad i’m effing broke!  We’ll think of something…originally it was suppose to be nice and sunny…but not any more…now its gonna be cold and rainy

 

and FUCK MEN….yeah while i am here at work (yes blogging while i work…or working while i blog) fuck bag decides to start a fight….and now i am pissed and DO NOT want to go home after work!

i think i just got my day ruined…thank god the suns not shinning cuz i would tell it to go fuck itself and stop being so effing cheery!

Saving PTO is never an easy task when your a mother

I guess I should consider myself lucky that BOTH my kids were sick at the same time…but with my children OMG!

When my daughter gets sick she never RESTS…she’s always wanting to run around and do this or do that!  I’m serious…yesterday she wanted to play the WII???? yes darling, your having issues breathing and running a fever so lets keep you active.  Then there is my son…when he gets sick he turns into a baby…which is ok at times cuz he’s so cute and cuddly but MAN does that kid whine.   My day yesterday consisted of “AMAYA for the love of Pete…sit down and relax TYSON STOP WHINNING puuuhleeeze…. No Amaya you cant go outside and play YOUR SICK, Tyson please just stop throwing your tantrum and cuddle with mom …. AMAYA stop running around the house, Tyson please stop whinning before i throw you out the window”

Yeah…it was fun.  But at least I got my house disinfected!  Sweetness….what made me sad was that I still want to do so much to it however if we really do move soon well then better not waste the time or labor.

Anywho….i’m running out of PTO now, i would have like to of maybe had a few days to roll over at the end of the year…but that is unlikely now.

Automatic fail at NoProBlaMo #2

So unless I wake up even earlier tomorrow to blog I will again fail at NoProBlaMo because I am going out of town for the day…graw…returning Saturday afternoon with MOUNDS of Girl Scout cookies (EEKS) but fear not….they are not all for me

Not much of an eventful evening last night…just hung out with the kids and shaved my legs Suprisignly got the b/f to watch John & Kate + 8 while dishing out backrubs to each other.  I did manage to get dishes and recycling done and unclog the bathtub!   I dont have a lot to say other than I am getting stoked for the five cheese manicotti in the cafe that i am about to go get.  Maybe i will update later about something fascinating that is not going to happen

Spaceballs scared my son!

One of the most hilarious Mel Brooks movies of all times scared the living crap out of my son.  His dad is a moron….popped the END of the movie in and what does my son see but this guy

watch out i'll scare your 4 year old

and this guy too…regardless of how much Ty loves cheese pizza

                         

So yeah…when he got home last night when it was bath time we went upstairs and he made me turn on EVERY LIGHT and i couldn’t leave his side next to the tub.  He started panicking and shaking and talking about some little guy coming out of a belly…so I called his sister up and asked her what in the heck he was talking about….when she described “well dad put in a movie that had this little alien pop out of a guys stomach and started singing” and then i knew….MEL BROOKS—-thanks!

Why its a pleasure to scare the crap out of your son!

So here is my son, in the bathtub, shaking like crazy and scared to death.  As you can imagine none of us got ANY sleep last night…and the poor b/f was up 1/2 night sick and had to be up at 3:15 am for work.   His father has now received a tongue lashing for A) scaring the hell out of my son and B) preventing me from ever watching this with my son in the room for the next couple of years.  —-maybe he’ll like Monty Python

NOOOO--I wont scare your son at all