This has to be the end, but it hurts

I’m ending my relationship with Steven.  Its too painful and heartbreaking to be his girlfriend.  As much as I know he loves me I just dont feel it.   I dont know if its me expecting too much out of him or the fact that he is just completely ignorant to what he is [not] doing.   I love him dearly but I keep being let down, dissapointed and having my heart broken that soon this love will turn into hate and then that will be the end of anything.  Its going to be hard [very] at first …but I think/hope I will get through it, and I really hope he does too.  I hate that I have to leave him because I really do love him but i just think that he’s settling…or is just happy to be in a relationship but doesn’t want to really “work” on it or “committ” to it? I dont know if that is exactly what I am trying to say …. but he’s very cold, very closed, very NOT THERE FOR ME.  He use to be, in the beginning, he use to tell me sweet nothings about how he felt about me and how I made him feel.  He use to check in on me 8 million times a day to see how I am doing….and now [when i am sick] he doesn’t care…i fall backseat to everything else that is important in his life.  I wish things were different, i wish that i didn’t crave his attention, love, affection, tenderness, emotional attachment ect… as much as I do or I wish he could actually provide me with all of that.  Maybe…someday….sooner than later.

 

**NEVER EVER NEVER EVER WILL I LOVE THAT CHILDISH IMMATURE LITTLE PRICK FUCKER—-TALKS TO 17 YEAR OLD GIRLS WHO ARE STILL JUNIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND LIES TO ME ABOUT IT…LITTLE FUCKER.  NEVER EVER AGAIN YOU PRICK BASTARD**

When did I stop having a life?

I know I use to have a life, I just don’t know when it stopped?  I don’t think it was when I had my first born, I remember having my own personality and hobbies then.  Even after my son I still did what I wanted when I wanted….but when did I stop doing the things I wanted?  Now with Steven gone and out of my house [life] I realize I am nothing…. I am just mom, just a house keeper, just a cook, just a nurse.  Don’t get me wrong….my children are awesome and I love them to death and love being their mother….but is that all I am anymore?  I have no hobbies, no friends who just come over to hang out, no invites from people who don’t have kids or are not my family.   I really do not feel like “me” anymore, throw that in there with Steven moving out and I am for the first time in 3 years truly and sincerely MISERABLE…DEPRESSED and just all together unhappy.  Even if I wanted a hobby I couldn’t afford it OR my children throw it back in my face*.  I need something to bring back my spirit as it went AWOL with no sign of returning.  I try to focus at work, but even a job that I love keeps my energy and ambition to an all time low.  My aunt who is in jail has more of a life than me, she’s back in school & losing weight –all while being locked in a cell [k she gets out for school and on Sundays---pulled the religion card with that one].  I’ve been depressed before, I’ve been declared as having depression before—its coming and I can feel it.  Even with spring finally being here I have no motivation to do anything.  I am so tired of crying, but cant get it to stop—today I honestly wanted to call the kids dads and tell them to keep them so I can crawl into a hole.  My dreams and hopes for my own personal life are gone and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore**  YES ITS TIME FOR ME TO BE “POOR PITIFUL ME”….just cuz I am so tired, so not myself.  I am just sitting on the edge ….looking down, completely lost and hopeless.

 

*I told Amaya that I was invited to play softball, but its on Thursday’s which is mommy daughter night—she made me feel like I was ruining her life for trying to establish one of my own…and I have now declined to join.

 

**I know I have my children and their future to look forward to and I have all my dreams and hopes for them…but someone once told me that “they” are not the only reason I am here…and now he is gone [most of the time].

i’m bored, you need an update but i am still gonna copy and paste

So…Steven came over last night and we talked, and just that TALKED for 2.5 hours.  No yelling, screaming, name calling, insulting or attacking….just talking and attempting to communicate and understand one another. 

 

What happened on Tuesday?

He admitted that he had no plans of moving out and that he just freaked out and couldn’t handle it anymore.  I informed him that when he left (after I had told him if he left it meant for good) and didn’t return a call or text I panicked.  I went driving around looking for something to do, anyone to talk to and found nothing.   The addrenilun started to kick in and I needed to do something and that is when I started moving all of his stuff into the garage. 

 

Why it didn’t work

We have major communication issues to work on, but most of all neither of us were ready to live together.  As much as we truly love one another and want to spend every night together (key word night not minute) we were not ready to live together.  He thought that I was going to offer him to move back in and was surprised when I didn’t.   I surprised myself…I do, I really really do love him and want him there with me all the time but I cant have him there if he is not happy…and in the end I probably would have ended up not happy and then we wouldn’t be happy together…and well you can see where that is going.  But we did take the risk and tried it and now realize that the timing is just not right.  We both discovered that our views of a relationship and how it should work are completely different due to our family backgrounds…and unfortunately we are both so stubborn that we don’t care what the other is saying.  Another thing to work on—truly listening to one another even if its just a simple story about work or a feeling that we want to express.

 

The plan:

He will find another place to live, more than likely with his buddies here in Shakopee and pretty much just crash on their couch and throw most of his items into storage.  We are still together and still love each other very much.  He will dedicate his Wednesday nights to hanging out with me and the kids because IF we are ever going to live together again he needs to learn how to interact with them better and bond with them.  We will both attempt to communicate better, me: I have a tendency to say things I don’t mean ie: when we argue or he does something I don’t like I tell him “Fine just go away” and I really don’t mean it and him: he will actually tell me if I do something that he doesn’t like instead of this “forgiving and forgetting” thing which I explained to him is useless because WHAT IF? I keep doing it over and over and then one day he blows up cuz he’s had it and says I do it all the time yet this is the first I have heard about it.   

 

Our Future:

We both believe that since he moved in to my place I did become a little controlling and in turn it caused him to hibernate in HIS room and avoid the rest of our home and the people in it.  We feel that we can definitely give this another shot but not until we get through our communication problems, and when that time is up WE will look TOGHETHER for a home that is OURS.  For those of you that I told about my worries about his drinking, well they are going to stay a worry, and one of the biggest reasons I am worried is mainly for myself…if it ever developed into something more with him … it probably would for me—as most of you know I am very susceptible to addictions, but that would be my problem, not his—sort of.  Either way…maybe I was just jealous, maybe I was just angry, or maybe I was just concerned…but right now that’s not my problem and its not what was the real issue behind us not being able to live together.  But he knows I am watching and am still concerned.

 

I still really believe that Steven is a good man and the one for me….but we rushed it unfortunately.  However,  we were lucky to have this happen as it opened our eyes and has now laid down guidelines for the next time we try it.

The guy who never gives up did

I’ve replayed the scenario a million times over and over in my head.  Is it really my fault that he left.  “you are the only stress in my life, i am so miserable that i dont want to come home most days”—thats what he told me yesterday.  But monday night he told me “you should always remember that I never quit, I never give up—have faith in that”—so what am i suppose to think now.   Now all i can do is figure out how i am that horrible of a person—are their others out there who view me this way, who dread seeing me cuz i will make them misserable?

It’s like its a horrible nightmare, the last five days make no sense to me.  Whats the point in talking if you’re not really gonna listen, whats the point in loving if your not going to care. 

I dont have any answers to this…. I am currently in a state of mind that is unhealthy, up is down, black is white, ect…. i dont know how to snap out of it, and what makes it worse is that it affected my daughter…it brought her to tears….how the hell am i suppose to be strong enough to help her now?

I dont even know what i am doing at work as i cant focus (obviously)— why do we let ourselves go through this…why cant we just snap out of it and move on.  Why does it have to be difficult to let someone leave your life.  and i am so tired of “i’m sorry” …i do appreciate it, but what does it really mean?  its just an unfortunate term that we use to send our sympathies to anyone feeling misery. 

i moved all his items into the garage yesterday, it helped to keep my mind off of him/it/us/that…and now there is no productivity in me…..just random thoughts/memories popping up and me trying to not cry — which is unfortunate for this emotional pile cuz i cry over anything & everything.

just numb, dont know what to do or think….and it didn’t help that last night he sent me a text “please take care” WTflyingF is that suppose to mean?

today is going to be long and painful, tonight will be worse.

Happy Happy Joy Joy ITS FRIDAY!

ITS FRIDAY!

I couldn’t be more ecstatic, now if only the time would go by faster.   Mainly because I just ate lunch and am still hungry but watching those calories.  OMG I have been drinking water like its going out of style and peeing all the time….seriously I get up every 20 minutes here at work and then about every hour at night…its CRAZY…but supposedly a “good sign” of things to come (or hopefully lose in my case).  I am truely addicted to my SparksPeople website and really REALLY reccomend it to anyone trying to lose/gain weight or just lead a more healthy lifestyle for themselves and/or their families.

Picture update YAY….the kids and i for the last couple of years have done a picture of our heads together on the floor (we do it before we go to our family gathering at OCB —still a favorite place to eat) and here is this years, still loving my new hair but could do with out the glasses….i think this is the 8th pic we took and Ty started to get a little annoyed as you can see in the pic, but it really is the best of them all.

Family on the Floor!

it will go in a frame on the wall covering past years photos.

Tyson had his Kindergarden round up last night and he had SO MUCH FUN.  It really is hard to believe that my little man will be attending school for 2 hours and 35 minutes every day starting September 8th this year A KINDERGARDNER are you serious?   His b-day is coming up in May and he’ll be my big 5 Year Old! my little handsome devil!

 

Bubby 03/09

And my darling Amaya has her first communion the weekend after easter, not that I a huge religious buff or anything, but still proud of her and happy for her.  I can’t believe how big she is getting and mature she has become.  I love that she still loves the Beatles and wants to grow up and be just like Regina Spektor who is definately most talented.  Amaya said to me “mommy, I just want to play music and have a band, I dont even care if anyone likes my music or not”.  What a ham I tell you, still love her new hair cut too!

Peanut 03/09

So all in all, the family is doing well.  We are happy and healthy (for the most part anyways–Tyson needs to lay off the fruit roll ups and amaya could lay off the ice cream a bit more).   So … you may be asking, what about the other person living under your roof.  Still one of the most annoying persons I have ever crossed paths with … but i still love him with all of my heart and more than anyone ever

US + mom 03/09

Picture was taken by bubby…hes great at capturing angles!

Not much else to report, well I am sure there is but I really cant think of anything else right now…so enjoy the update with pics.  I’ll leave you with another of the kids

MYTY 03/09

Overly Perceptive Boss

So I dont know if my boss decided to give me this “constructive criticism” because I jokignly made fun of the fact that he was taking “presentation classes” because I think that he speaks to quietly, or because somehow he knew what was going on in my personal life OR that he just was really giving me constructive criticism based on my performance at work.  Either way….FUCK…how’d he know?  His advise ” I know it can get rough hearing the same thing over and over –ie. In my name only, cant give up the book, 0% even though i’ll be making $800 on the load– but you need to just forget it and move past it and think of a positive to replace it”  double fuck….wow, too much insight from my boss.  Great advice REALLY great…the fact that he always starts any “constructive criticism” (which isn’t often) with “YOUR DOING  A GREAT JOB KEEP IT UP” should definately not have me worried…I am doing a great job.  But of course….”just forget it , move past it and think of something positive to replace it”….i think this is something Steven has been saying to me every time we get into a fight.   He left me a two page letter when i didn’t return home last night (do you know how hard it is to squeel your tires going in reverse when driving a stick…i think i rev’d it up too high cuz i couldn’t get the RPM’s to come down for a bit)….so after several beers and a vodka collins i go home and find this letter.  To be honest i dont remember too much of what it said and i’ll have to read it again…but the jist of it is that he claims whenever i do anything that upsets him he forgets about it and moves on….and i continuously remind him of his fuck ups.  I’m sorry but if i am doing something wrong SHOULDN”T YOU TELL ME….cuz i’ll just keep doing it again and again and again…you shouldn’t just let it roll off your shoulder cuz one of these times your gonna let it get to you and then your gonna blow up in my effing face!   Anyways…the letter….it mentioned something that he thinks that maybe i hold on to stuff cuz thats the way i was raised….what the fuck ever, i was raised with so much shit in my life i just want to forget about it….i would love to forget my past (1980-1989) entirely….but i cant…it does make me who i am.  Shit i need to read this letter again cuz i cant remember a damn thing that he said now.  I need a nap—- i dont even want to go home after work cuz i dont wanna see him…even though he wont be home till almost an hour after i get home and i could always just fall asleep…maybe i’ll do that…then when i wake up i’ll go to my moms….OH YEAH…he told me that he has no effing friends anymore and that he changed that for me BULL SHIT DICKWAD…thats why we are fighting in the first place…cuz you put your friends before me.  .  . and FYI i am the one that gave up all ties with friends to be with you …proof? k last night i am pissed at you and i have NO WHERE TO GO…no friends houses to go over to … no one to call…so i go to my sisters…hell my own damn mother wasn’t even home.  He’s been telling me for the last 2 years that he’s still the same person he was when i met him and then all of the sudden in this letter he miracously discovered that he’s the one who’s changed??? Way to fuck with my head…..which hurts cuz of the cheap Karkov vodka last night—didn’t i learn anything from New Years 07?? guess not.  20 minutes and i can leave these florescent lights THANK GOD except its sunny out and i forgot my damn sunglasses at home FUCK.  yeah—-nap when i get home.

My boss has way too much insight on my personal life right now

a whole lot of talk and a little less pictures

I so need to upload pictures of Tyson’s first skating lessong but a) the pictures suck because they took him way far out on the ice and my camera didn’t zoom in that close without making it look blurry and the plexiglass was too scratched up and b) i’m just lazy….or busy, whichever way you would like to look at it.  I will get more BETTER pictures on Monady for lesson number two…but what a time he had!  I am so proud of him!  This was his first time on the ice EVER and to make matters worse i put him in hockey skates —completely and deliberately ignoring  the instructor saying “hockey skates are much harder to learn in”—i dont care…he looked kick ass in them!   Yes …he fell … over and over and over….and over, but every time he got right back up ON HIS OWN! and never cried or whined —it was awesome!   Lets hope he progresses a little in lesson #2.

So excited to have Monday off of work this following week…Amaya’s spring break so I promised her that I would take a day off so that we can all hang out all day long.  I think she might be as excited as I am…too bad i’m effing broke!  We’ll think of something…originally it was suppose to be nice and sunny…but not any more…now its gonna be cold and rainy

 

and FUCK MEN….yeah while i am here at work (yes blogging while i work…or working while i blog) fuck bag decides to start a fight….and now i am pissed and DO NOT want to go home after work!

i think i just got my day ruined…thank god the suns not shinning cuz i would tell it to go fuck itself and stop being so effing cheery!

This might be my most ironic encounter ever

I am madly and deeply in love with someone who is not what I want.  How the f*** did this happen.  When I met him he was someone that was wonderful, as they all are in the beginning of any relationship.  But, I never wanted mushy romance, sure it was cute on the big screen but I never wanted it….then he gave it to me.  Not all the time or in large amounts, but he definately pulled romantic gestures out of his ass in ways that no one else ever had before.  He would say the most darling and flattering things.  Fast forward almost two years….i dont get it anymore…yes i get flowers (when i ask for them) yes i get cards (simply signed, Love Steven and nothing else) but no more sweet words, no more romantic gestures and still NO PDA.  I’ve never been one for PDA but the more and more we go out and there is nothing there the more i tend to feel like just a friend.   We’ve gone to three weddings together now and never danced once… its enough to make the heart hurt.  I guess the main reason that I want it now could have something to do with I got it for a little bit and liked it … hell I loved it.  But his belief is that “now that I have you why do I have to win you over” …. and I hate that reason…its friggen lame.  I dunno…maybe since I changed coming into the relationship I should be the one to change again.  But how do you want something that you had once less? I dont understand how he could be so loving once and think that thats all he needed to give.  He thought he was dating someone who didn’t want that and he was wrong and I thought I was dating someone who enjoyed that kind of stuff *and I was wrong.  So what do you do when both of you fall in love with someone who is not what you want.  willing to hear MOST answers…just need to hear something besides the thoughts in my own crazy head.

*read about our first actual date and you’ll see he had some sort of romantic tone to him once*

Flowers everywhere EEK…yes I am a girl!

Tuesday I got surprised with some perdy flowers for our “LTIAA” *and then yesterday morning I received some flowers via email

and then I got home last night and for some reason he had a ton of candle’s lit in the bedroom all though I still needed to feed the kids dinner, help with homework and give them a bath…dunno what he thought was gonna happen   He did however also have a chocolate rose on the bed and a card ….awe (all though still not a fan of chocolate–but its packaged nicely so i can keep it for a while )  Also yesterday I got some daffies for donating in this lovely ladies name for the american cancer society and today they bloomed….look at how perdy they are

So many flowers….eek!

*LTIAA stands for “Lets Try It Again Anniversary”…..we took a little break during our relationship and now we have two anniversaries…which is nice seeing that the first one is on my birthday*

Automatic fail at NoProBlaMo #2

So unless I wake up even earlier tomorrow to blog I will again fail at NoProBlaMo because I am going out of town for the day…graw…returning Saturday afternoon with MOUNDS of Girl Scout cookies (EEKS) but fear not….they are not all for me

Not much of an eventful evening last night…just hung out with the kids and shaved my legs Suprisignly got the b/f to watch John & Kate + 8 while dishing out backrubs to each other.  I did manage to get dishes and recycling done and unclog the bathtub!   I dont have a lot to say other than I am getting stoked for the five cheese manicotti in the cafe that i am about to go get.  Maybe i will update later about something fascinating that is not going to happen